On the Inside

all i want is someone to talk to.

i love feeling uninvolved completely. its an awesome feeling.




sigh. i'm just gonna keep breathing.

so i'm going to night school twice a week for a couple months and actually getting a high school diploma which will definitely make things alot easier for me. Despite the dreadful 3 hour high school packet sessions, it's not about me anymore. i'm really looking forward to getting all this shit done with. i'm just gonna do what i gotta do, and then leave. hopefully things will go by fast.
in other news, i have a couple of leads on some jobs, but i'm not getting any hopes up for anything in particular. i love hearing the words "good luck" from various different people when having a conversation about job hunting at the moment.

In the past couple days, i've stared at up at the same ceiling that i have spent a billion hours staring up at in the past. Except before, i spent hours and hours staring at it while talking to you, with huge smiles and laughter, and i'd never been so fascinated with a ceiling when you were on the line with me. Now its not the same as before, at all. It doesn't give me the joy and excitement as it used to. I really miss the company i used to have while staring at my plain, boring, white ceiling.

On another note, I seem to have forgotten how to sleep in a big bed alone. I used to be able to sleep dead center, spread out, no worries to where my limbs went and i'd be fairly comfortable. I guess i've gotten so used to sleeping on one with someone else that my body subconsciously sleeps to one side on its own, and i can't seem to get comfortable otherwise. Its odd, and i've tried to force myself to sleep center, but it just doesn't work. Interesting.

so i'm moving back to redwood city, by this week. things arent working out here, and its super lame but it is what it is. i cant afford to try and work a shitty job, and pay rent, and feed myself, and save money for a baby coming in july. the smartest thing for me to do at this point is to go back home where i dont have to worry about rent, and find a job there and save as much money as i can until the time comes for me to take care of a baby. shitty business.

i probably had the worst dream last night. nothing was at all as it seems. or as it is in reality. those are the hardest dreams for me. the ones where everything is okay and how you want them to be in your subconscious thoughts. i said something funny, you laughed, and smiled at me, and i got to hold you again. it was the closest i've been to you in almost 2 months, and it wasn't even real. meh, i'm okay, these just really need to stop.

our hands don't fit for no particular reason..

i remember that day too. and that dress. dont worry, you looked perfect, as always.

i'm left with the ghost of what used to be us.

i mostly never let pessimism consume my life, because all it does is make things worse, yet i cant help but feel like everything just fuckin blows. the end.

getting baby clothes for christmas was one of the weirdest and most interesting things that have ever happened me. time for change. i'm stoked. thanks the help is needed.

cuz this is harder than quitting every drug i've ever done all at once.

that would be the last kiss i'd give you :[ i would have made it a much better kiss if i knew it was going to be this way.

is ruining my day, every day, and i can never seem to escape it, no matter how hard i try.

shit happens. things change. gotta go with the flow i guess. its just hard when you thought the flow was actually taking you somewhere, and then suddenly the wind blows the opposite direction and you begin to drift backwards. all i can do is watch my life unfold before my own eyes. gotta re-figure out what the hell im gonna do with myself now. i can honestly say, i have no idea what'll happen to me in this ridiculously fast paced, all direction, constantly unfolding mess that is my future. the more it unfolds, the less im learning to be optimistic about everything. i've never felt so lost and alone in my entire life.

- tattoo party in my room
- grandaddy purple w/ hash oil bong sesh
- puke in my yard
- not driving to san francisco and suggesting the beach instead
- not walking over the pole at stulsaft
- 99 cent sunflower seeds
- marlboro 27's vs. djarum's
- jagermeister, malibu rum, vodka and new castle
- washing dishes
- picking a movie (every time)
- my burning hot car
- seaport lurking
- washing fonti's dishes
- phone calls from behind crates
- phone calls at every work break
- saying "p.s." 24/7
- breathing easy
- airport goodbyes
- airport hellos :]
- plane tickets
- "como se dice, i'm cookoo?!"
- quitting whole foods
- downtown, impaled show, really good sandwich things on the playground
- grocery shopping
- acid!
- shower time
- provocative curriculum
- 5 am walks to the bus stop
- cigarette company
- losing every time at speed
- almost dropping you on your head trying to carry you
- loc-loc!!
- whiskey and cider night
- chopsticks!
- burgerville!
- burn after reading
- beer / pregnancy test shopping
- original recipe strips
- baby in there!!
- midwife nurse's rockstar son
- waking up terrified in the middle of the night
- being the boy that keeps you warm every night.

and now we wait..

i realy just dont understand it i guess? its not like i dont completely understand the reasoning, i just dont understand why there isnt any sparks flying right now? i mean, i guess this is whats expected to happen. its just weird. i miss the old feeling of how things were with us. its sort of makes me feel uninteresting i suppose, like it didnt matter that we were doing nothing at all together, just as long as we were together, everything was awesome. i feel almost boring i suppose. maybe a realization that i'm not as fun to be around as assumed before because of the lack of common interests? i didnt ever think that'd be a problem...it wasnt before. whatever i guess im thinking too much of it, and hopefully this almost awkward weirdness will pass in due time. i just miss feeling like i was the most awesome person to be around, and just the most awesome person in general like how i used to feel. cuz i mean, thats how i still feel about her. i guess im just not proving myself enough, which is my fault. oh well..we'll see how things go.

this is my first post in a while. i guess i've had alot to say but just didnt quite know how to get it out. everything is happening so fast and things are changing rapidly back to back, and i cant quite keep up with it.

its good to know that i still cant have a reasonable fucking conversation with you even when we arent together. jesus fucking christ.

"most of us are not raised to actively encounter our destiny. We may not know that we have one. As children, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others, that we will (or should) find our satisfactions as they have found theirs. rather than being taugh to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others. We are, in effect, trained to listen to others' versions of ourselves. We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else! When we survey our lives, seeking to fulfill our creativity, we often see we had a dream that went glimmering because we believed, and those around us believed, that the dream was beyond our reach. Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something, if...
If we had known who we really were."

-Julie Cameron


now get out of that cumfy ass computer chair and do somethin for yourself!!

and have a great fuckin day!